A Word for Living Creatures

I will have no regrets,
I will have no regrets,
I will have 
no you.
I will not let you ruin 
my birthday again. 

Again, this memory:
reaching for your hand.
You, flinching, pulling
away, back. A look
in your eyes. One
I still can’t interpret.
Loathing? Disgust?

Silence. Driving to
your house 
and leaving, not
what I wanted,
not what I wished
(what I wished:
a kiss, maybe two),
leaving and knowing
you were going
to meet her, leaving
and knowing and not
knowing what that meant,
not connecting the dots,
not fully, not yet.

Leaving and going
home by myself,
not what I wanted,
not what I wished,
leaving and going
home to my bed,
my pillow, my gag,
home to my thoughts
(What did I do wrong?
Why were you acting
the way you were?),
to my wish
I wish I hadn’t wished,
to this wish -

I wish not to wish
for you, I wish
to remember you:
liar, coward,
thief, cheat, you.